We were in Brazil visiting family, when I first heard about birthday blues. My aunt shared that she didn’t like her birthday, and it was a day she chose to stay in bed and cry all day. I was stunned, because I couldn’t wait for my birthday every year. She couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reasoning for all the sadness but shared that she didn’t like the thought of getting older. It was a very tough day for her (and us as her family who wanted to celebrate her life).
Back then I didn’t have the appropriate words to label this phenomenon, and it wasn’t until I started my professional career that I realized it is a rather common experience. The term for this is Birthday Depression or Birthday Blues. It describes the overwhelming sense of dread and sadness that comes up on the days leading up to your own birthday. These feelings are temporary and usually end the day after your birthday but have the potential to really rain on your parade.
Common experiences with Birthday Depression:
- Increased feelings of sadness, anxiety, tiredness that you can’t shake off
- Crying more often
- Feelings of panic when thinking about birthday plans
- Generally unenthusiastic, apathetic, and low energy on days leading up to birthday
- Lowered self-esteem or confidence
- Ruminating, intrusive thoughts or excessive worrying about upcoming birthday, the past, how much longer you have to live, or unaccomplished goals
- Wanting to avoid contact with people (family and friends included); desire to isolate
- Changes in eating and/or sleeping patterns
- Physical body aches
How to Cope
Birthday Blues is not a diagnosable disorder, and if your symptoms persist you may be experiencing a Depressive Disorder. Although birthday depression is not a cause for concern, if you would like to enjoy your birthday and work on having more pleasant feelings and memories attached to your birthday here are some suggestions:
- Communicate expectations.
Perhaps past birthdays didn’t go as planned and you feel a little disappointed about unmet expectations. Or maybe you have an idea of how you would like things to go, but don’t feel comfortable opening up and setting boundaries with friends. A gentle reminder that it’s your special day and you deserve to take up space. Good friends are more than willing to celebrate you in the way you want—we want you to feel loved because you are loved! Identify what your needs, expectations, and wishes are and communication them clearly and kindly to your friends and family. Having them show up in the way that you want will make your day fun and special, just like you deserve.
Questions to consider…
- How do you want your friends to show up for you?
- What would make this birthday fun for you?
- Are there previous birthdays you enjoyed? What can you replicate from that birthday?
- What does an ideal birthday look like for you?
- Talk it out.
Open up and be vulnerable with a few trusted friends about your experience with birthday blues. It can be validating to have friends hold space for you and listen as you vent about your feelings about birthdays. Communicate your needs (wanting them to just listen versus working towards a solution) and be affirmed that you are cared for you by them. Vocalizing your needs, feelings, desires, and thoughts can be a much needed relief and comfort for you.
- Redefine what birthdays mean.
If birthdays tend to be a reminder of the things you haven’t been able to accomplish or how old you’re getting, it’s okay to reframe your mindset. Instead of having this day as a reminder of our mortality and life struggles, work on using it to reflect all the small and big beautiful experiences. This shift in your perspective is called the Gap and Gain mindset. Gap thinking focuses on where you are now and where you want to be. Gain thinking focuses on where you started and where you are now. Celebrate how far you’ve come in life. If you struggle to see how far you’ve come, reach out and ask from trusted friends about the progress you’ve made. Use your birthday as a moment to reflect on your strengths, lessons learned, and progress.
- Personalize it.
Your birthday is a celebration of you and it is okay to have this day be all about what you like. Do you like extravagant bashes or more intimate settings? Introverted or extroverted personality? Loud clubbing parties or quiet sip and paint birthdays? The love you receive should be custom made to fit who you are and you should be celebrated in ways that feel comfortable for you. Organize something special according to your likes and interests. Plan to do something you’ll look forward to doing that day (spa day, amusement park, trying a new restaurant, hanging out with a close friends, etc). Find a way to create some fun practices and routines for your birthday.
- Make lists!
Writing out lists is a quick and easy way to get the thoughts from your head down on paper. And once we’ve given our thoughts a place to exist outside of our mind, there is a sense of relief that washes over you. Some ideas on what lists you can create: -Things to look forward to -Ways to have a better birthday next year -Small things that made you happy in the past year -Benefits of getting older -Things I love about my life -[your age] lessons I have learned in my x years of life -Things that make you feel good -Favorite gifts you’ve ever received -Favorite books -Your top 10 affirmations -15 things to look forward to
- Set some limits.
If birthdays bring up tough memories or added pressure for you to live in a way that you can’t (i.e. feeling like other people on social media always do fun things for their birthday, but you can’t afford it or don’t have as many friends to do fun things with), take some time to feel those feelings. Set a time limit where you allow yourself to be sad that things haven’t gone the way you expected. Feel the heaviness in your body, journal, and then do an activity to transition the grief outside of your body (some type of body movement + crying does wonders). After you’ve had your Sadness Time, move onto a different activity for the day. Staying busy can be comforting or perhaps planning a self-date can be helpful.
- Reflect and set goals.
The end and start of new chapters are great moments to reflect. Typically, this is done during the New Year when we set Resolutions and new goals for ourselves. Birthdays can also be a great time to reflect and envision hope for this fresh, new chapter. Here are some Birthday
Reflection Questions:
- Where do you want to be in one year?
- Who do you want to be in one year?
- What made your favorite memories in the past year so memorable to you?
- Who/what surprised you in this past year?
- In what ways have you changed?
- In what ways have you remained the same?
- What are some things (beliefs, feelings, thoughts) you can let go of?
- What are you ready to welcome and receive in this new year of life?
- What are you hopeful for in this new year?
- What do you want to tell your future self? Write a letter for you to open on your next birthday.
Lastly, remember to have self-compassion for yourself. Life is complicated and nuanced. It’s okay to feel a mix of feelings or simply unpleasant feelings during any period that is often associated with happier feelings. You are not alone in this experience. Hold yourself with tenderness and understanding during these harder moments.
Better days are coming.
