In a world driven by social media ‘likes’ and constant feedback on performance and appearance, it can be easy to find ourselves craving external validation more than ever. The more likes + comments = more validated we feel. This isn’t necessarily a problem—until it is. To some degree, we all seek approval from others, but when does the need for external validation become a stumbling block rather than a steppingstone for our self-confidence?
As children, parental validation plays a significant role in shaping our identity. We look to our caregivers to guide us and affirm that we are headed in the right direction. Compliments on an art project, a smile when we enter the room, parents attending our sport events, a congratulatory high five or hug, and positive words to motivate us are all ways adults can, and should have, validated us as children. Depending on your personality and circumstances, you might have needed more or less external validation from your caregivers. Needing more validation is not bad or wrong, but if your needs were not met, it creates a difficult situation for you as an adult.
Children are very impressionable and soak up what is told to them. If you did not receive enough external guidance, validation, or praise, your developing brain was left to fill in the blanks with the information it had. If your caregivers only praised you when you accomplished something or were obedient, your developing brain associated your identity with performance.
Consider little you, completing a task, project, or performing in a school play. If you were met with silence or little fuss was made about your courage/ability/creativity, it would be natural for your brain to assume that the adults were displeased with what you did. The belief that “I’m not enough” or “Other people’s happiness depends on me” may take root in your heart. And while it may not seem like a big deal, the compound effect of years of these behaviors is an increased need for external validation and a loud inner critic.
If your need to be seen and validated was not met as a child, this creates a validation deficiency within you. Your confidence and self-esteem are at a disadvantage because your needs were not met; the starting point is in the negatives instead of the positives. The implication of this is that you are needing validation, not just wanting it.
Let’s say your boss gives you a compliment. It will boost your confidence momentarily, but it quickly becomes a necessity for you to outperform yourself in order to get another compliment. If you don’t receive the external validation, you might mentally spiral and question your abilities and worth. It’s not that you don’t deserve validation—you do. It’s just not on others to heal this validation deficiency. And, you deserve to feel and know you are worthy, accomplished, and successful. External validation should be the icing on the cake, but not the cake itself.
It is okay to want external validation from others, especially those you are close to. Seeking and receiving validation is a normal and healthy aspect of relationships. You might seek external validation to:
- Feel a sense of belonging and acceptance
- Stay connected to friends, family, and community
- Affirm your actions, behaviors, or achievements
- Get emotional comfort, support, and reassurance
- Stay motivated or improve your skills
External validation helps us all feel valued, recognized, and connected. However, it’s important to balance the desire for external validation with internal self-validation. This balance maintains a healthy sense of self-worth and emotional wellbeing. If we are over-reliant on external validation, it can result in dependency on others (where your self-worth is based solely on the opinion of others), loss of authenticity (where you compromise your values and needs for approval, i.e. people pleasing), and emotional fragility (where you become vulnerable to negative feedback and criticism, leading to anxiety and low self-esteem). The excessive need for external validation will diminish your sense of self and inhibit personal growth.
In a way, social media has reduced the beauty of affirmations, compliments, and likes into dopamine triggers (addiction). We feel pressure to acquire hundreds (if not hundreds of thousands) of likes to feel validated. Most of us would agree that 10 likes on a picture is not seen as enough but consider how wonderful it would feel to receive 10 verbal compliments in person. The quality of validation we receive on social media is inferior to the quality of validation we receive through authentic relationships.
So how can we balance external validation with internal validation?
Turn inward.
Cultivating a rich inner world is the most important way to create a healthy identity. What are the qualities of your thoughts? Is your mind a safe place for you to exist in? Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself? Before you look outward for validation, pause and consider how you feel and think about yourself. Your thoughts should align with the truth of who you are: loved, accepted, worthy, and good.
When you put effort and energy into a project or task, compliment yourself. Take time to acknowledge your efforts and abilities. “I put in my best effort and I believe I did a good job. I’m proud of the outcome.” If you get a compliment, it will be an additional affirmation to your efforts. Take yourself out or give yourself a treat to celebrate the good work you put in. Bask in the goodness you put out into the world, your relationships, your work. Recognize yourself.
Naturally, we do want others to also recognize our work and that’s okay. It’s normal to want validation; it’s the dependence on validation that we should move away from. You still did a good job even if no one openly expresses it. Can you believe that for yourself before reaching out for external validation?
Make mistakes.
If you need external validation to feel successful or confident, chances are you also struggle with perfectionism. You may find yourself setting unrealistically high expectations for others and yourself, where mistakes are fatal to your identity and failing is never an option. Underneath perfectionism, you may consistently feel frustrated, pressured, anxious, depressed, or angry about the standards you set. And underneath those feelings, you may find a part of you that was often shamed, criticized, or made to feel like a burden as a child.
Your loud inner critic comes from feeling as though you could never measure up as a child. You may have internalized the belief that your worth is based on your achievements. Challenge that voice. Your worth remains the same throughout your whole life, and your mistakes or accomplishments don’t make you more or less worthy. They might make you more or less successful, but your worth and identity are also not tied to success. If you never accomplish anything else in life and if you are never successful again in life, you are still worthy of wonderful things.
So, the next time you accidentally spill your drink, break something, misunderstand instructions, or miss a turn while driving, meet yourself with compassion. It’s okay! The world will continue to rotate. It’s easier when we don’t hold our mistakes over our heads for so long; find the resiliency to acknowledge you made a mistake and then let it go. Learn to separate your worth from your actions or your mistakes; they are not connected.
Know your strengths.
Take time to reflect on who you are and who you are becoming. Keep a journal and document your strengths, abilities, and the ways you love others. Stay connected to your values and practice being kind and understanding with yourself. When you complete a task, think about which qualities you utilized and celebrate yourself.
Conclusion
Needing external validation is a normal part of our human experience. Balancing the desire for external validation with strong internal validation practices helps maintain a healthy sense of self-worth and autonomy. Standing firmly in your identity empowers you to value yourself independently of others’ opinions. Recognize your worth and validate yourself.
